He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
