I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
