He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
