I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He shit in the fireplace
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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