Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
