I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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