I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
high people should be assigned attendants
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
