Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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