I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
