sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
