I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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