The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i out mim tonsoeep
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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