plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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