My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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