New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize