My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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