life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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