It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
