You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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