You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
