Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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