someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
