if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
