Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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