Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
