theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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