She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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