She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
