do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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