My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
