Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
