Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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