I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize