Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
