I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
