"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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