i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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