I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
