She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
