So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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