Capitaan dildo arrescate!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
