I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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