I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
