His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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