I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
