I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
