My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
