He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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