Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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