guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
When did angry sex become our thing?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
