Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
