she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
