what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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