like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
home. puking in laundry basket.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
