Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So many bounce houses so little time
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just want nice things and good sex
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
