You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize