All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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