i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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