Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
