"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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