i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
