I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
